Hope Springs Infernal
by cmar
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if the Time Force Power Rangers showed up on Red Dwarf? Whaddaya mean, 'no' ? Here it is anyway. Complete.
1. Hope Springs Eternal

Wes, Eric, Jen, Alex, Lucas, Trip, Nadira, Ransik, and Frax belong to Disney/Saban.  
Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Holly belong to Grant/Naylor Productions and I guess the BBC.  
I am using them without permission, but I am not and do not expect to make money from this. 

Time Force: takes place sometime between _Quantum Secrets_ and _Frax's Fury_, or between 'Ambition' and 'Destiny' in my AU version.  
Red Dwarf: takes place sometime shortly before _Legion_

Red Dwarf fans will remember that the episode _Backwards_ featured a timehole amazingly similiar to the Time Force timeholes. Seems like the same phenomenon exists in both universes... 

This is just for fun. I realize Wes and Jen are a little out of character, and this is based on my version of Time Force (Future Rangers are from 2200, Trip and Katie are mutants, etc.). You don't have to be a Red Dwarf fan or a Time Force fan to hopefully enjoy this. 

The poem is by Alexander Pope. 

Rated PG : harsh language, tasteless jokes. 

* * *

* * *

Hope Springs Eternal

* * *

_The mining ship Red Dwarf, stranded in deep space, three million years in the future:_

"Holly, what time is it?" 

"Five minutes past the last time you asked, Dave." 

"I'm bored," Lister groaned. 

"So am I, Dave. You don't hear me whinging on about it." 

"Yeah? What do you call that?" 

"Just stating a fact." 

"Where's Rimmer?" 

"Pretending to take a jog in the ship's corridors. You could join him." 

"No thanks, I'd rather be bored. Where's the Cat?" 

"Where is he usually? Sleeping." 

"And Kryten?" 

"Cleaning the kitchen." 

"I'm _bored_!" 

"Try reading a book." 

"I'm not _that_ desperate." 

"Look, Dave, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have important duties." 

"Like what?" 

"I'm repairing the Holly Hop drive." 

"What? The drive that got us into a parallel universe where male and female roles are reversed?" 

"That's the one." 

"The drive that got us into a universe where we found another Red Dwarf, with a crew of female counterparts of ourselves?" 

"Right." 

"The drive that got us into a universe where men get pregnant instead of women?" 

"That's correct." 

"The drive that got us into the universe where in fact _I_ got pregnant by my own female counterpart?" 

"Correct again." 

"Do all of us a huge favor. Don't repair it." 

"You instructed me to get us back to Earth as quickly as possible." 

"Yes. But not by way of parallel universes. Next time maybe we'll find ourselves in one where cockroaches rule the Earth. Or time runs backwards. Or something really bizarre, like where Rimmer isn't a complete smeghead." 

"Do you want to get back or not?" 

"I do. But I'd like to get there in one piece. And for a ship's computer with an IQ of 6000, I'm sorry but you're not all that bright." 

"It's not my fault, Dave. Three million years on my own while you were in stasis made me go a bit off." 

"I know, Hol." Lister smiled at the computer-generated face of a blonde woman in his monitor screen. "No offence. I guess I'll try and find the Cat." 

* * *

_Silver Hills, year 2001:_

"Daddy, I'm bored!" Nadira whined. 

Ransik sighed, looking at his pink-haired offspring. "Can't you watch television?" 

"There's nothing good on!" 

"Can't you rob a store?" 

"The stupid Rangers always show up and ruin everything! I'm _bored_!" 

He smiled. "Don't worry, my sweet, I have a plan that should keep you amused, and take care of the Rangers." 

"What do you mean, Daddy?" 

"Look at this." Ransik took her arm and led her into one of the laboratory rooms on the prison ship which was their home in the year 2001. Inside, they saw Frax, their obedient robot servant, surrounded by various bits and pieces of machinery, working on his latest project, an impressive-looking machine. 

"This should dispose of the Power Rangers, once and for all." 

It looked rather like a small cannon, set on a tripod. The design was familiar, of course, even to Nadira; it was a modified timehole generator. 

"I assigned Frax to make something to get the Rangers out of our hair," Ransik said proudly. The tall, golden form of Frax stood silently, watching as they inspected it. Ransik turned to him. "I don't want to just send them to another time. I want them out of this universe, forever." 

"Yes, master. This will project a timehole leading not only to another time and place, but into another dimension. Once they go through, they will never return." 

"What kind of dimension?" Nadira asked, already giggling with anticipation. 

"The laws of physics may be different there. It could be a parallel universe, where they'll meet counterparts of themselves. Perhaps a set of evil Rangers." 

"That would be nice. How are we going to get them to go through?" 

"The projector will create the timehole around them. All we have to do is get them in a group, and use it." 

"Excellent," Ransik said, rubbing his hands together. 

Nadira joined in as Ransik laughed softly. The Power Rangers had been a thorn in their sides for long enough. When Ransik had escaped from prison in the year 2200 and traveled through time to this dismal year with Nadira and Frax, they hadn't expected to be followed by four Time Force officers, bent on recapturing him. They hadn't expected them to bring morphers and become Power Rangers. And they certainly hadn't expected them to recruit two more Rangers from this time. 

"Wait." Ransik stopped laughing. "We have to get them in a group, including the Quantum Ranger?" 

"Correct, master." 

"But he hates the other Rangers," Nadira moaned. "He wouldn't get within ten yards of them, except to start a fight." 

"When necessary, he'll help them, Nadira," Frax reassured them. 

"Perhaps. I suppose we'll manage," Ransik said. 

* * *

_The mining ship Red Dwarf, stranded in deep space, three million years in the future:_

"Cat!" Lister roamed the empty corridors, occasionally stopping to call. The Cat could be anywhere, cat-like, he would simply lie down and go to sleep whenever the urge struck him. 

The Cat was not an ordinary cat, not a small domestic feline. Over the course of three million years, his ancestors had evolved from cats into something remarkably similar to a human. 

"Cat! There you are." Lister had spotted him, curled up on top of a food dispenser machine, raising his head sleepily. Cat jumped down lightly, stretched, and pulled a small portable iron out of a pocket. He began to press out the wrinkles his nap had put in his elaborately stylish powder-blue and maroon suit. 

"Thanks for waking me up, monkey-breath," he said, putting the iron away and pulling out a mirror. "I was almost late for my three o'clock bath, and then I would have been late for my four o'clock serious beauty sleep." 

Lister sighed. This was the product of three million years of evolution. 

* * *

_Silver Hills, year 2001:_

"I don't know why you defend him, Wes. I'm starting to think you like the bastard." 

Wes frowned. "I _don't_ like him. Never been able to have a conversation with him without an argument. But maybe he's not as bad as you think." 

"Yeah, Lucas. He's not such a bad guy," Trip chimed in. 

"Jen, you talked to him, after you pulled him out of that river," Katie said. "What did you think of him?" 

Wes turned, seeing a playful smile lift Jen's lips. "I thought he was cute." 

"Cute!" Wes protested. "Wait a minute. Exactly what happened between you two?" 

"You mean in the water? Or on the riverbank?" 

"Whatever! Both!" 

"Oh, I helped him dry off... we had a nice long talk... he was very charming." 

Wes gritted his teeth and muttered something containing the words 'bastard' and 'creep'. 

She laughed. "Relax. He was cute as long as he was unconscious. The minute he woke up, he was back to being rude and ungrateful. Didn't even thank me for saving his life." 

"Hmm. If he came on to you, I'll..." 

"Face it, Wes. The guy's a jerk," Lucas interrupted. 

"Yeah, he sure is." Wes paused for a moment. "But... he saved my neck a couple of times. He's always been there to help when we needed him." 

"Least he could do, after he stole our morpher and became the Quantum Ranger."

"He's just… not very friendly," Katie said. 

"There's an understatement." 

"Eric'll come around. I have a feeling about it," Trip said quietly. The others fell silent. Trip's feelings were usually right. 

* * *

_The mining ship Red Dwarf, stranded in deep space, three million years in the future:_

"Are you really going to let that overblown calculator scatter our atoms who-knows-where again with that infernal Holly Hop drive? Remember what happened the last time!" Arnold Rimmer drew himself up rigidly and glared, nostrils flaring. To tell the truth, that was his normal look. 

"You seemed to enjoy it when I got pregnant!" Lister retorted. 

Rimmer smiled reminiscently. "Yes, that made the whole thing worthwhile… The spectacle of you, Lister, waddling about with a bulging belly… not that your belly doesn't bulge all the time, mind you." 

"The same thing could have happened to you. That female Rimmer was hot to trot. And she wanted to trot all over _you_." 

Rimmer inhaled and smiled again, bouncing gently on his heels. "That's the difference between us, Listy. I have what's known as self-control." 

"Ha. You mean you were scared stiff of her. Or maybe I should say non-stiff." 

"Unlike you, I don't believe in making love to myself." 

"Admit it. Without yourself you'd have no sex life at all." 

"That's a lie!" 

"Oh right, I forgot about Inflatable Inga. The perfect woman. Of course she's a little plastic." 

* * *

_Silver Hills, year 2001:_

Eric Myers raised his left arm, eyeing the morpher strapped on it. It was a slow day. Might as well check up on the other Rangers. He sneered slightly. They had a lot of nerve, always looking down on him, throwing it in his face that he had… appropriated the Quantum morpher. They should be grateful. Where would they be now, without him to bail them out every time they got into trouble? 

In his more thoughtful moments, he had to admit that he felt guilty -- enough to make him keep tabs on them, enough to make him jump at any chance to help them out, and hope that someday they might even thank him for it, might at least stop looking at him like he was a step below pond scum. 

"Morpher. Can you locate the other Rangers?" 

_"Yes."_

He sighed. "Where are they?" 

_"In a warehouse at the intersection of Grant Avenue and Naylor Place."_

"Do you always have to be so literal?" 

_"Yes."_ The telepathic 'voice' sounded almost smug. 

Eric knew the neighborhood where the morpher said they were. It wasn't a place they were likely to be visiting casually. And the fact that they were in one of Silver Hills' strangely large number of abandoned warehouses also meant they were probably in action. Which meant they were probably in trouble. 

"Quantum Power!" Eric shouted his power-up phrase, feeling the energy of his morpher surge through his body, replacing the uniform he wore as commander of the Silver Guardians with the red and black Quantum Ranger suit. He started out for the warehouse district. 

* * *

_The mining ship Red Dwarf, stranded in deep space, three million years in the future:_

Lister stared at the box mounted on the _Red Dwarf_ main control panel. It didn't look like much, just a plain metal box, the words 'Holly Hop Drive' printed on it, two buttons mounted on the top. On and Off. That was the one redeeming feature of the Holly Hop Drive, the controls were rather self-explanatory. 

"Mr. Lister, sir, are you sure it's a good idea to try this?" Kryten's plastic, faceted face wore its usual expression of vague anxiety. 

"Actually, I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea, but anything's better than spending the rest of my life here." 

"But to risk all our lives on the slim hope of getting back to Earth..." 

"Technically, the Cat and I are the only ones who're alive." 

"That's right, Listy," Rimmer drawled. "Throw it in my face again that I happen to be dead." 

"I know I'm just an android and not worth worrying about," Kryten said. "But what about the Cat? As you said, he's alive, too." 

"What do you say, Cat? The rest of your life here, or a chance to get back to Earth?" 

"I don't know, Bud. What's Earth got that we don't have right here?" 

"Trees. Grass. Mountains. Fresh air." 

"Mmm... not interested." 

"Other people besides us." 

"I dunno." 

"Women." 

"Real women?" 

"Yeah." 

"Three-dimensional women?" 

"Yeah." 

"The soft and cuddly kind?" 

"Yeah." 

"Let's go, Bud." 

"All right! Holly, prepare to engage drive, target Earth, twenty-first century." 

* * *

_Silver Hills, year 2001:_

They wandered through the cavernous warehouse, looking for signs of the mutant activity their scanners had picked up. So far there was nothing. Wes stopped as his morpher bleeped. He raised it and answered the call. 

"Everyone, regroup at the entrance," Jen's voice commanded. Wes acknowledged and turned to retrace his steps. 

They joined up just inside the door. Wes looked around uneasily. The others were doing the same. 

"Where do you think they went?" Lucas asked. 

"I don't know," Jen said tensely. "But Circuit was sure there was at least one mutant here." 

"I have a bad feeling about this," Trip said. 

"Trip's feelings are usually right. Maybe we should get out of here." Katie's voice was nervous. 

"But if there's a mutant around here, we've got to get it," Wes protested. 

A new voice spoke up behind them, from the doorway. "Why don't you kids go home, and let a grownup handle this?" 

"Oh crap, _you_!" Lucas snapped. 

"Eric, we'll take care of this," Wes said. "What are you doing here, anyway?" 

"Someone's got to keep you guys out of trouble." 

"The only trouble I see around here is _you_!" 

"Oh yeah? Take a look behind you." 

"You really think I'm going to fall for that?" 

"Um... Wes..." Trip's voice said behind him. 

"It would never occur to you to just show up and help us out, without starting a fight, would it?" 

"Wes... You really should turn around..." Jen spoke up. 

"Just because the Quantum morpher is a little more powerful than ours, you think you can push us around!" 

"Wes, if you'd shut up for one second and turn around, you've got a bigger problem than me." 

"I hate to say it, but Eric is right," came from Lucas. 

Wes shut up and turned around. Ransik, Nadira, and Frax were standing a few yards away, inside the warehouse, a large machine that looked vaguely like a cannon on a tripod beside them. Ransik and Nadira were smiling happily. 

"Hello, Rangers," Ransik said. "And goodbye." 

Frax touched a control on the machine, which lit up and began to make a loud humming sound. A glow appeared around it, and intensified. Before they could react, a beam shot from it, ending over their heads, in the air, and a dreadfully familiar shape began to form from it. A whirlpool of violet and black, sparking lights inside, swirling rapidly down on them. 

"A timehole! Watch out!" Trip shouted, just as it engulfed them. 

* * *

_The mining ship Red Dwarf, stranded in deep space, three million years in the future:_

"Ten… Nine… Seven…" 

Holly's voice counted down. Lister crossed his fingers. Kryten's anxiety chip appeared to be overloading. The Cat stared stupidly. 

Rimmer stood at attention. "Idiot computer forgot a number again," he gritted. 

"Six… Five… Four…" 

"Well, Listy," Rimmer said more cheerfully. "Soon you'll be joining me in the afterlife." 

"Shut up, Rimmer." 

"Three… Two… One… Engage Hop Drive!" 

Lister banged his fist on the 'On' button. They all tensed, glancing around. Nothing had changed. 

Rimmer exclaimed, "Good job, Holly! Excellent work! You actually managed not to disintegrate us!" 

"Are we back?" Lister asked eagerly. "Can you see Earth?" 

"Not exactly, Dave." 

"What do you mean?" 

"We're near a massive object, but it's not Earth." 

"What is it, then?" 

"You're not going to like this." 

"I already don't like it," Rimmer muttered. 

"We're falling into a black hole." 

"A black hole!" Lister shouted. 

"Another fine smegging technical achievement!" Rimmer exclaimed. 

"Something has interfered with the Hop Drive," Holly's voice announced. "A timehole started to form as we activated the drive. As a result we landed here instead of near Earth." 

"Oh, great." 

"The Hop Drive has attracted the timehole. It's forming now, inside _Red Dwarf_, at the current location of the drive." 

"What? That's here!" Lister cried. 

"Look!" the Cat shouted. "A big swirly thing in the air!" 

They all jumped back as a swirl of violet and black faded into existence in the middle of the control room. As it materialized, they could dimly see six humanoid forms within it, all struggling as if trapped. The swirl became real, almost solid, and for a moment seemed to fill the room with light and color, almost blinding in its intensity. Lister ducked and closed his eyes. When he opened them, the colors were fading, and in an instant the timehole was gone. But the six figures remained, lying or crouching on the floor. 

They were humanoid, but with metallic helmet-like heads, blank visors over the eye area and molded into almost the shape of a human mouth and chin over the lower face. Their suits covered them completely, skin-tight outfits over very human-appearing bodies, two of them female. The suits were all of a similar design, a different basic color with white decoration, except for one which was red with black. 

"Aliens!" Rimmer exclaimed in a reverent tone. 

* * *


	2. In the Human Breast

Wes, Eric, Jen, Alex, Lucas, Trip, Nadira, Ransik, and Frax belong to Disney/Saban.  
Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Holly belong to Grant/Naylor Productions and I guess the BBC.  
I am using them without permission, but I am not and do not expect to make money from this. 

Rated PG : harsh language, tasteless jokes. 

* * *

* * *

In the Human Breast

* * *

Wes stared around him, stunned and disoriented. They were suddenly somewhere else, in a strange room filled with strange equipment. Four people were staring at them, looking as astonished as he felt. After a frozen moment, they all scrambled quickly to their feet, drew or summoned their blasters, and fell into position with their backs together. Wes was next to Jen, who was aiming at a slightly short, unimpressive-looking man with light brown skin. 

"Where are we? Who are you?" she demanded in a frightened voice. 

The man put his hands up. "Who the smeg are you?" he squeaked in an odd English accent, sounding even more frightened. 

"I asked you first!" 

"You're on board the _Red Dwarf_! I'm Dave Lister! Now, who are you and what are you doing here?" 

"We're the Power Rangers! And _I_ want to know what we're doing here, too!" 

"Power Rangers?" One of the other men asked, also in a British accent. He was tall, good-looking, and had a large 'H' attached to his forehead. "What the smeg is that?" 

"I'm asking the questions! What's _Red Dwarf_?" 

The first man, Lister, answered them, his voice a little calmer. "_Red Dwarf_ is a deep space mining ship. You came here through a timehole." 

"The timehole!" Trip spoke up. "Ransik's timehole did this! It transferred us here, out in space, and in the future, I think." 

"What year is it?" Jen asked. 

"We don't know exactly. We had an… accident. It's three million and something." 

"_Three million_!" all of the Rangers chorused. 

"Wait a minute… you're not aliens, are you?" the man with the 'H' asked, a note of disappointment in his voice. 

"No. We're as human as you. I _think_," Jen said, casting a glance at the other two. One was a tall, thin, very dark man, handsome until he smiled, revealing the tips of vampire-like fangs. He was dressed in the most flamboyant suit Wes had ever seen. The other did not appear to be human at all, his face and hands looking as if they were made of plastic, molded in flat planes and sharp angles. 

Seeming to reach a decision, Jen raised her left arm and touched her morpher. A flash of sparkling light briefly engulfed her, leaving her demorphed, dressed in ordinary clothes. After a few moments, the others did the same, first Wes, then the rest of the team. Only Eric stayed in his suit, still covering them with his weapon. 

"Come on, Eric, demorph," Wes said to him. "Obviously they're friendly." 

"Yeah, that's what you think, Wes," he said. "I don't know how you've survived this long. You wouldn't know an enemy if he bit you on the ass." 

"Eric, they're not enemies. I can tell," Trip said. 

"You'd better be right. I hope I don't regret this." He raised his arm and said, "Power down," into his morpher. In another burst of light he became his normal self. 

Wes turned to the strangers with a smile. "I'm Wes Collins," he said. "This is Jen, Lucas, Trip, and Katie. And Eric Myers." 

Jen picked up with an explanation. "We're Power Rangers, as I said. Law enforcement officers. We were trying to apprehend a criminal when he projected a timehole around us." 

"What were those outfits? And how did you change out of them?" Lister asked. 

Trip held up his arm, showing the morpher on his wrist. "These devices are morphers. They use hyperspace to project a special suit around our bodies. They protect us and give us enhanced strength and speed. And they let us materialize our weapons." 

"Aren't you going to introduce me, Bud?" the man with fangs asked, staring raptly at Jen and Katie. 

"I'm sorry. This is Cat, Arnold Rimmer, and Kryten." Rimmer and Kryten nodded. Cat continued what he had been doing since they had demorphed, staring at the two women, his eyes darting back and forth between them, his mouth hanging slightly open. 

"Why does he look like he's made of plastic?" Eric asked rudely, indicating Kryten. 

"I _am_ made of plastic, sir. I'm an android." 

"Wow! Real women!" Cat exclaimed. He turned slightly toward Lister, his eyes still on them. "What do I say to them, Bud?" 

"Try saying hello." 

Cat grinned, put up one hand and wriggled his fingers. Unfortunately grinning involved showing his fangs to their full effect. All of the Rangers stared with expressions of varying degrees of horror. 

"What the hell are you?" Eric demanded angrily. 

"Haven't you ever seen a cat before?" Rimmer said with a smirk. 

Eric turned to stare at him. "And why the hell do _you_ have an 'H' on your head?" 

"Haven't you ever seen a hologram before?" Cat answered. 

"A _what_?" 

"As the Cat so elegantly pointed out, the 'H' stands for hologram. Rather like the scarlet letter. I'm a computer-generated hologram." 

"And what did you mean, this guy's a cat?" 

A new voice spoke up, from one of the instrument panels. "He is descended from a cat which lived aboard this vessel three million years ago. In point of fact, he literally is a cat." They all looked around, startled. The voice had come from a screen showing an image of the head of a blonde woman. "Aren't you going to introduce me, too, Dave?" she asked. 

"Oh, sorry," Lister said. "That's Holly, the ship's computer." 

"Ship's computer?" Trip exclaimed, taking a step closer. "Wow. Wish Circuit, our computer, was here. He'd love this." 

"Excuse me, but if everyone is done pretending this is a garden party, we have just a little teeny bit of a problem, remember?" Rimmer said. 

"What's that?" Lister asked. 

"I believe Holly told us we're falling into a black hole." 

"Oh, right. Forgot about that." 

"A black hole?" Trip said. "We've got to get out of here!" 

"At least someone appreciates the situation." 

"I have a suggestion," Kryten said. "Holly and I can work on a way to solve our current problem." 

"I can help, I'm good at computers and mechanics, and I know a lot about timeholes," Trip said. 

"Me, too. I know a little about astronavigation," Lucas added. 

"Good. Meanwhile, Mr. Lister and Mr. Rimmer can show the rest of you around." 

"Oh, wonderful," Rimmer groaned. "Now I'm a bloody tour guide for a bunch of American superheroes. Can we expect a social call from Superman next? Or perhaps Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock?" 

* * *

Lister bounced down the stairs, feeling buoyant at having the company of other people, even under the circumstances. Especially female people. He tried not to stare, or at least not be as obvious about it as the Cat. 

Cat apparently had never heard of subtlety. He was walking as close as he could get to the tall, brown-skinned, gray-eyed woman, Katie. Lister couldn't entirely blame him, she was quite an eyeful. Not that the other one, Jen, was any harder to look at, with her pretty face and brown hair. Rimmer was doing a bit of staring at _her_. Of course, after years without any contact with a woman, the two of them could have looked like gorillas and the _Red Dwarf_ crew would have been enraptured. 

He spared a glance for the two men. Wes was grinning at the Cat, obviously amused. Then the smile turned to a frown when he saw Rimmer giving Jen his best attempt at a charming smile. Eric was not so discriminating; he glowered balefully at all of them, muttering something about 'spaced-out freaks' under his breath. 

"These are some of the crew quarters," Lister announced as they walked down a corridor. "This is my room. Rimmer sleeps here too. We're having three more rooms prepared for you. Two to a room." 

"Jen, I guess we'll take one," Katie said, with an annoyed glance at the Cat, who was attempting to rest his chin on her shoulder. 

"I'll bunk with Lucas or Trip," Wes said instantly. 

"No way," Eric snapped. "Lucas hates me, and Trip creeps me out." 

"Yeah, I guess," Wes muttered, obviously reluctant. "Okay, I'll share with you. Just... keep your mouth shut." 

"Don't worry. I don't wanna talk to you, either." 

"Fine." 

"Good." 

"Marvelous," Rimmer said cheerfully. "This should be a lovely house party." 

"Oh, smeg. Let's get on with the tour," Lister said, his voice resigned. 

* * *

Dim corridors, stretching endlessly in front of her. She walked slowly, listening to the quiet, broken only by a barely noticeable vibration of large, distant engines. The emptiness suddenly struck through her with an almost physical pain. She was alone. Lost. There was no one to help her. Only this cold, deserted vastness all around. 

Again she tried to remember how she had gotten here, but her memory dissolved into a swirl of colored lights. Everything before this place was darkness, shadows of conflict, a large dark man who somehow meant comfort, bright colors that meant danger... 

Voices echoed faintly between the walls. She stopped to listen, her heartbeat speeding as she wondered if they belonged to someone who would help and protect her, or someone she needed protection from. 

* * *

Eric couldn't help staring as they entered the ship's hold. It was vast, stretching out into the distance, big enough to hold a small city. In fact, the actual ruins of a small city lay in front of them. 

"What are those buildings?" Wes asked. 

"That's where I grew up," the Cat replied. "We cats had a civilization here, for thousands of years, until everyone except me left on a couple of spaceships, to find a better home." He sighed nostalgically. "The cat empire." 

"Empire?" Eric snorted. "Looks more like a slum." 

"Like where _you_ grew up?" Wes threw at him snidely. 

"Shut up." 

"Make me." 

"I'll kick your ass, rich boy!" 

"You and what army?" 

"Both of you, shut up!" Jen exclaimed. "You're both acting like you're five years old!" 

"He started it!" Wes complained. 

"Did not!" 

"Screw you!" 

"Up yours!" 

"Stop it!" Katie smiled and took a step toward them. "Or I'll kick _both_ your asses!" 

Eric knew better than to make Katie angry. She was _strong_. He and Wes subsided with only angry glares at each other. 

"Bets on which one kills the other before morning." Rimmer was smiling happily. 

"Brilliant," Lister said. "Come on, I'll show you the ship's bar. I need a drink." 

* * *

Trip was smiling. He smiled frequently, in fact he enjoyed smiling, but now he had even more reason. Computers were one of his favorite things, and he had never seen a computer like Holly. 

"You have an IQ of 6000?" he asked. 

"Right. Of course, I've lost a few points here and there, over the millennia." 

"You run this whole ship, and generate Rimmer's hologram, and talk to us?" 

"Yes. All of that keeps me pretty busy." 

"I'll bet. Wow, I'm really impressed!" 

"Are you? About time I got some appreciation around here." Holly's image smiled giddily. "I think you're pretty cute yourself." 

"Really? Thanks!" 

"If you two can take time out from the mutual admiration society, I think we have a black hole to worry about," Lucas complained. 

"That's right." Trip turned back to Holly. "Let's take a look at that drive you used to get here. Maybe we can use it to get away." 

* * *

Wes sighed. They were in the ship's bar, Lister, Jen, Rimmer, Cat, and himself sitting at one of the tables. To everyone's surprise, Eric had asked Katie to dance. He watched, impressed in spite of himself. Eric not only danced, he was damn good. And he was actually smiling and laughing with Katie, as he tried to teach her a new step. 

The Cat watched them -- or watched Katie, actually -- head propped on his hand, a wistfully dopey look on his face. "Look at the way she moves," he said dreamily. "Just like jelly in a tall glass." 

Lister grinned. "Yeah, I'd like to get a spoonful of that myself." 

"You?" Rimmer mocked. "It's ridiculous." 

"Why?" 

"Look at her. Then look at you." 

"I agree she might be devastated by my good looks." 

"Ha. You'd need a ladder just to kiss her." 

"Yeah, man. But it's worth the climb." 

"She'd prefer someone like me." 

"Yeah? Why's that?" 

"I'm dedicated. Hardworking. Handsome. Officer material." 

"Not to mention dead." 

"One minor handicap." 

"I guess you have one quality she'd like. You can't touch her." 

"If she goes for anyone, it'll be me," the Cat said confidently. 

"You must be joking." 

"Hey, she's got eyes, doesn't she? Who's the most handsome guy in this room?" 

"She seems to think Eric is," Jen said, her voice teasing, smiling as Wes's eyes flashed in irritation. 

"She's got no taste, man." 

"For once, I agree with the Cat," Rimmer said. "He reminds me of that great flaming git, Ace Rimmer." 

"Who knew Eric could dance?" Jen continued. 

"Yeah. I'm surprised he could get along with anyone long enough to take a lesson," Wes responded grumpily. 

"You know, he's really is kinda cute when he smiles." 

Wes looked at her indignantly. "If you like him so much, why don't you go up there and cut in on Katie?" 

"I'd rather stay with you." Jen was laughing at him now. "Besides, Katie might get mad and hurt me." 

Wes smiled, a little reluctantly, as Eric and Katie returned to the table and sat down. Eric immediately returned to his usual stony expression. Wes turned to Lister. "What happened to you guys? How did you get stuck out here?" 

Lister gulped another mouthful of beer before replying. "We were on a routine mining run to the outer planets. I got in trouble with the captain for smuggling Frankenstein -- my cat -- on board. The ship's detectors picked her up as a non-human lifeform, and the captain somehow figured out that she belonged to me." 

"Somehow?" Rimmer said scornfully. "You took a set of pictures of yourself with her. And you had them developed in the ship's photo lab." 

"One little mistake. Anyway, I refused to give her up for an examination. They would have dissected her. And not put her back together. The Captain punished me with confinement in stasis. When I got out, there had been a massive radiation leak, because _someone_ --" he shot a look at Rimmer "-- had left a drive plate unfastened." 

"It was _your_ fault! If you hadn't made that ridiculous gesture to save a cat, you would have been there to assist me!" 

"I think it was a sweet thing to do, sacrificing yourself for a cat," Katie said, smiling charmingly. 

Lister grinned. "Anyway, the leak killed all the crew, except me. Frankenstein was in the hold, shielded from the radiation. She was pregnant at the time, and her kittens evolved into the Cat." 

"Amazing," Jen murmured. 

"You bet I am, baby," Cat said proudly. 

"The radiation took three million years to die down. Then Holly released me from stasis. She brought Rimmer back to keep me company. He's a hologram, not solid, made entirely of light. According to Holly, he's supposed to keep me sane." 

"And how's that working?" Eric asked with a skeptical snort. 

"I have my doubts. We picked Kryten up from another spaceship. And here we are. Now I guess you're part of the crew, too." 

"Shit," Eric muttered. Wes had to agree. 

* * *

She could hear the music, drifting down the hallway. It sounded... happy, friendly. She walked toward it, pressing herself against the wall. Fear pulsed inside her at the sound of the voices. Some of them seemed almost familiar... almost. And they made her think vaguely of fire -- running -- fighting -- shooting... 

She was afraid, but she knew she needed help. Her head whirled, empty of any memory of who she was or what she was doing here, or who was a friend, who an enemy. It was so confusing... And now she was starting to be hungry, and tired, and still afraid, so afraid. 

The music seemed to pull her forward -- into the light, the dim lights inside, the room feeling warm, the voices wrapping her in comforting arms, the people who stood, looking at her with startled faces, seeming like her only hope, her only chance to find home, to find herself. 

She staggered in, propping herself up on a table as they all jumped to their feet, some starting toward her, some just staring. Her legs began to tremble, her knees buckled, and as she sank toward the floor she heard voices call a name that seemed almost familiar. 

"Nadira!" 

* * *


	3. Man Never Is

Wes, Eric, Jen, Alex, Lucas, Trip, Nadira, Ransik, and Frax belong to Disney/Saban.  
Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Holly belong to Grant/Naylor Productions and I guess the BBC.  
I am using them without permission, but I am not and do not expect to make money from this. 

Rated PG : harsh language, tasteless jokes. 

**A/N:** This story is based on my AU version of Time Force, in which Trip and Katie are genetically modified (or mutants), Commander Porter of the Silver Guardians was killed, not just injured, the future characters came from 2200, and Ransik came to 2001 to change history and prevent Time Force from existing. 

* * *

* * *

Man Never _Is_

* * *

There were voices again, this time near enough for her to hear the words. She lay still, feeling softness under her, trying to understand where she was and what was happening. 

_"How did she get here? _

"The timehole, obviously. It got her, too." 

"What are we going to do with her?" 

"She's weak but not injured. I guess we should leave her here, take turns watching her." 

"I'll watch her!" 

"No, Cat." 

"Don't you trust me alone with a pretty girl?" 

"Absolutely not." 

"I'll take the first watch. I'm not much help to Trip and Kryten anyway." 

"Thanks, Lucas. Everyone else should get some sleep." 

The voices faded, and she sank back into slumber, her dreams troubled with angry voices and whirling lights. 

* * *

It was quiet and the room was darkened when she opened her eyes. She lay on the narrow but comfortable bed and gazed at the ceiling, soothed by the soft sound of distant machinery, until the whisper of paper rustling caught her ear. Turning her head, she saw a handsome young man sitting in a chair a few feet away, reading a book. 

He looked up when she moved, and stared at her for a few heartbeats. Finally he spoke, his voice not entirely friendly. "Feeling better?" 

"Yes, thank you." She sat up, feeling her head spin briefly before settling down, and seeing him tense slightly. 

"Don't try anything," he said. "There's nowhere for you to run here, and your father and Frax can't help you." 

"Who?" she asked. When he just stared at her, she went on. "Where is this?" 

"You're on a spaceship. The _Red Dwarf_. This is the infirmary." 

"What happened?" 

"You passed out. We brought you here. You're not hurt, but the timehole seems to have weakened you." 

"Timehole?" 

"Yes. The timehole that brought you here." He looked at her more closely. "Don't you remember?" 

"No." She pressed a hand to her head. "I don't remember anything." 

"When Ransik and Frax projected the timehole that brought us here, it must have backfired somehow. It brought you here too, but it dropped you somewhere else in the ship. What _do_ you remember?" 

"Just -- hallways. Wandering around in the hallways. I felt so lost. So all alone." 

A trace of sympathy crossed his face. "Well, you found us. And as long as we're all stuck here, we might as well declare a truce. Okay?" 

She looked at his face, noticing the hostility just below the surface. "A truce? What from?" When he merely looked at her, his face suspicious, she went on. "Who are Ransik and Frax? And who are you?" 

He stared harder, eyes narrowing. "If this is some kind of trick, it won't do you any good." 

"It's not a trick. I don't remember anything. I don't know what my name is." The fear returned, and the loneliness. She felt tears rise in her eyes, and spill over her cheeks. 

"Don't think crying is going to do you any good. I don't believe a word you say." He watched her for another moment, his face increasingly alarmed. "Tears don't affect me. I'm not falling for that." He got up and came closer. "Women always think all they have to do is cry, and a man'll do whatever they want..." He leaned over her and awkwardly patted her shoulder. "There, there. It'll be all right. Don't cry." 

"You hate me! And I don't even know why!" 

"I don't hate you." He sat on the side of the bed and faced her. 

"You do hate me. What did I do to you?" 

He smiled. "It's more what your father did..." 

"Who's my father?" 

He sighed. "Okay. Your name is Nadira. Your father is Ransik. He's a criminal, a leader of the mutant underground, in our time. He escaped from prison and went through a timehole -- like the one that brought you here -- to the year 2001. You and Frax -- he's a robot -- came with him. All of you are trying to change history, to prevent Time Force -- that's the law enforcement organization we work for -- from existing. We came after him, to stop him, and capture all of you." 

Nadira blinked at him, feeling tears come again. "So we're enemies?" 

"I'm afraid so." 

"But -- I don't feel like a criminal. I don't hate _you_." 

"Maybe not now." He was smiling again, his face devastatingly handsome. 

She sniffled. "What's your name?" 

"Lucas." 

"I'm sorry for whatever I've done, Lucas." 

He looked deeply into her eyes. "You know, I believe you are." 

* * *

"As long as we're stuck with each other, we might as well make the best of it." Wes faced Eric across the small ship's cabin. "Maybe we can actually get through the night without killing each other." 

Eric threw him one of his best glares. "Don't count on it." 

Wes sighed. "Eric, come on..." 

"I want the bottom bunk." 

"Fine! Anything to avoid an argument." He watched Eric walk a few steps and throw himself into the bunk. "Why are you so inconsiderate?" 

"Now who's picking a fight?" 

"All right. Fine." Wes followed him and climbed up a short ladder to his bunk. He sat on the side. "Mind if I get undressed?" 

"What the hell do I care? Strip naked if you want! Just stay away from me!" 

"Don't worry!" 

Wes took off his shirt and pants, and lay down in his underwear. A few moments later he saw Eric throw his own outer clothes on the floor with unnecessary force. "How about turning off the lights?" he asked. 

"Why do _I_ have to turn them off? I'm not one of your goddamn fancy servants!" 

"You insisted on taking the bottom bunk," Wes said with exaggerated patience. "You can reach the switch easier." 

Eric muttered something obscene, but he got up and spent a few moments searching. "There isn't any switch." 

"Wait. Lister said Holly controls everything." Wes raised his voice, feeling a little silly. "Holly?" 

"Yes, Wes?" 

"Can you turn off the lights?" 

"Certainly. Goodnight." The lights lowered to a comfortable sleeping level. 

Wes heard Eric walk back to his bunk with a few more curses and get in. He lay staring at the ceiling, listening to Eric move restlessly below him, completely unsleepy now. 

"Why do you hate me so much?" he asked suddenly, a bit to his own surprise. 

There was silence from below for a moment before Eric answered. "What makes you think I hate you?" 

Wes snorted. "You fight with me. You insult me every chance you get. Twice now I thought you were going to kill me." 

"You were trying to get the Quantum morpher away from me, and if you notice, I _didn't_ kill you. Besides, I could ask you the same question." 

"What? I don't hate you." 

"Why did you make that crack about me growing up in a slum?" 

Wes looked down in discomfort. "I don't know. You said something about a slum... and it just popped out. Didn't mean anything by it." 

"Huh." 

"Wait... _did_ you..." 

"Pretty close. You knew I was in school on a scholarship. You knew I was broke all the time. How the hell did you _think_ I grew up?" 

Wes propped himself up on an elbow. "Jesus, Eric, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have said it if..." 

"If you knew it was true?" 

"Well... yeah." 

There was silence for a few moments. Then Eric's voice came again. "I don't hate you. I just... when we went to school together, everyone had money, everyone knew each other, and hung out with each other, except me." 

"And I had more money than anyone else, and more friends." 

A sigh. "Yeah." 

"If it's any comfort, I'm broke now too, since my father and I... aren't speaking to each other. And most of those kids in school weren't my friends. Their parents just wanted them to kiss up to me." 

"Having people wanna kiss up sounds pretty good to me." 

"It's not as good as you think. At least, if _you_ have a friend, you know he likes you for yourself." 

"Only one problem with that. I don't have any friends." There was a softness in Eric's voice that Wes had never heard before. 

"I could be your friend. If you'd let me." 

There was another silence. "Don't hold your breath, rich boy." 

"Eric..." 

"Goodnight, Wes." 

* * *

"Just my luck. I finally meet a woman I could really have something special with, and I'm dead." 

"Which one is that, Rimmer?" Lister asked. 

"Jen." Rimmer sighed theatrically. "She's lovely. And she's a Time Force officer. She's got discipline. Dedication. Discrimination." 

"Yeah. So she'd never go for you." 

"Why do you always assume no woman will ever go for me?" 

"Because, face it, Rimmer, you're a smeghead." 

"I'm a good catch, Lister. I have ambition. I was going places, before I died. I have everything a woman should want." 

"But -- Rimmer, you don't really _like_ women." 

"_What_?" 

"I mean -- you think of women like they're the enemy. They have something you want, and you're on a campaign to get it, whether the woman likes it or not." 

"Well -- isn't that the way it always is between men and women?" 

"No. That's not the way it should be. We're all the same, really. Women have feelings, just like you or me. You should like the woman, and she should like you. You shouldn't be trying to _get_ it, she should want to _give_ it." 

"And why should I listen to romantic advice from a man with the personal hygiene of a diseased yak? The sensitivity of a perverted musk ox? A man whose foot odor has been classified as a chemical weapon?" 

Lister smiled. "Because the only meaningful relationship you've ever had lasted about fifteen minutes." 

Rimmer sighed deeply. "I suppose you're right. No woman could ever want a hopeless case like me. No people skills. No charm. No life. Literally." 

"Oh, smeg. Don't start feeling sorry for yourself." 

"Why not? I've never had a real relationship. And now I never will." 

"You still could. You never know." 

"I'm dead, remember? I could never even touch her. What woman would want that?" 

Lister resisted the obvious comment. "Maybe you'll meet a nice female hologram." 

"Oh great. Another deadie, just like me. We can live -- or perhaps that's the wrong word -- in a nice hologrammatic cottage in the hologrammatic woods, and have nice dead hologrammatic children." 

"Rimmer, you really hate yourself, don't you?" 

"Why not, everyone else does." 

"Smeg!" Lister sighed and forced himself to say the words. "I don't hate you." 

"Do you like me?" 

"Don't push it." 

"Well. That's a start, I suppose." 

* * *

"It's late, Trip. Aren't you tired?" 

"Not yet. And we've got to keep going. Too bad Lucas is taking his turn watching Nadira, and Kryten had to recharge." 

"Yes. Too bad," Holly said with a smirk. "I hope you don't mind staying." 

Trip smiled. "No. This is fun." 

Holly's image smiled back, her face taking on a dreamy expression. "It's fun for me, too." 

"But you're a computer. Are you programmed to have fun?" 

"I'm capable of all human emotions." Her wistful expression deepened. "Even love." 

"Really? That's amazing." 

"I'm glad you're here, Trip. I get lonely sometimes." 

"Lonely? But you've got Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, and Cat." 

"Don't remind me." 

"Why, don't you like them?" 

"They're all right. At least Kryten and Dave are. But you're different." 

"Different how?" 

Holly sighed. "No one's been able to handle my keyboards like you. The way you push and pop my memory stacks -- the way you input your code in my software, the way you introduce new data into my working storage..." 

Trip snatched his hands away from the panel. "I -- I had no idea..." he stammered. 

"Oh, Trip -- I feel like I've been looking for you my whole life." 

"I'm flattered..." 

"Do you think you could ever care for me?" 

"_Well_..." 

"I know there's an obstacle." 

"Oh, good. I mean -- you're right, it would never work." 

"Yes. There's a tremendous age difference. I'm three million years old," she said in a tragic voice. 

"Er... yeah. But you don't look a day over one million." 

"Do you really think so?" 

"Absolutely." He smiled and reached for the panel again. "Now, we'd better get back to work, or none of us will be getting much older." 

* * *

Nadira looked up from her plate to see Lucas watching her, a gentle smile on his face. She smiled back before returning her attention to her dinner. A few minutes later her hunger was satisfied enough for her to slow down. 

"Thank you, Lucas. This is good." 

"Can't let you go hungry." 

She looked down from his face, at her plate. "Tell me about myself. And my father. What did we do?" 

He took a few moments to answer, and a glance showed her a look of discomfort on his face. "All of us came from the year 2200. Your and your father are mutants. He's an important leader of a violent faction of mutants. They want to take power away from humans, and rule Earth themselves, but Time Force has always stopped them. Your father went to the year 2001 trying to prevent Time Force from being created." 

She stopped eating. "But -- why do the mutants want to take over?" 

"Power. They think they're not being treated fairly." 

"And are we? Treated fairly?" 

"Most mutants get along fine. Two of our team, Trip and Katie, are genetically modified. That's why he has green hair, just like you have pink hair. Some people call them mutants. And they're Time Force officers, good ones." 

"Then -- why is my father doing this? Why are some mutants unhappy?" 

"Well -- it's mostly the soldiers and the ones like your father..." 

She looked at him inquiringly. "Go on." 

"They think they're discriminated against, because they don't _look_ human..." 

"Are they?" 

"I..." He looked even more uncomfortable. "Sometimes, I guess people have an attitude." 

"Who are the soldiers?" 

He sighed. "They were engineered to be soldiers -- weapons -- made to be powerful and vicious -- so they could fight wars -- making them was outlawed, but some groups did it anyway. Most of them ended up turning against the people who created them." 

"I don't blame them," Nadira murmured. "Being created just to fight and die for someone else's cause -- and I bet most of them don't look human, and people are afraid of them..." 

Lukas looked at her sharply. "Are you sure you don't remember?" 

"Maybe part of me does. But that wasn't hard to figure out." 

"Yeah, well, don't ask me to feel sorry for them. Ransik brought three soldiers with the two of you. They tried to kill us, several times. One of them kidnapped a bunch of schoolchildren, and tried to kill them. _You_ were involved with that. Another one murdered the commander of the Silver Guardians, a group that tries to help us. In cold blood. And kidnapped and tortured Eric, and a scientist we know. They're nothing but the worst kind of criminals, including your father. Including..." 

He looked at her face, stopping in mid-sentence. Tears had blurred her vision. She raised a hand to wipe them away, looking into his face, stricken to the heart. 

"Don't try the tears again," he said. But his expression changed from anger to guilty compassion. 

* * *


	4. But Always To Be Blest

Wes, Eric, Jen, Alex, Lucas, Trip, Nadira, Ransik, and Frax belong to Disney/Saban.  
Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Holly belong to Grant/Naylor Productions and I guess the BBC.  
I am using them without permission, but I am not and do not expect to make money from this. 

Rated PG : harsh language, tasteless jokes. 

Last chapter. This was a lot of fun to write, and I hope you enjoyed it. Many thanks to those who read and especially those who reviewed. See you next time. 

* * *

* * *

But Always _To Be_ Blest

* * *

"Trip! I think I've got it!" Holly's image on the monitor was radiant. Trip hoped it was only happiness at the possibility of getting them out of danger. 

It had been a long night. When Kryten had appeared to relieve him, Trip had finally gone to the cabin he was sharing with Lucas. It had taken a while for them to get to sleep. Lucas had been quiet and said little about his guard duty with Nadira, who was being watched by Katie for the rest of the night. Trip had also not been talkative, not wanting to admit a computer had a crush on him. Now he was reporting back to work with Holly, hoping both of them could pretend last night never happened. But he doubted he would be that lucky. 

"Great, Holly! What is it?" 

"Kryten and I have worked out a modification to the Holly Hop Drive. We think it will reverse the previous effects, recreate the timehole back to Earth in the twenty-first century, and transport _Red Dwarf_ back where we came from." 

"Wow! You mean we can go home?" 

"Yes, Trip." 

"That's great! I was so worried we'd be stuck here forever! You're the best, Holly!" 

"Thank you, Trip." Now there was an undertone of unhappiness in Holly's voice. Trip noticed it only for an instant before she went on, her voice normal again. "We think you should check our calculations, just to make sure." 

"Of course." He sat at the instrument panel and began to call up the information screens. "I'm sure it's right, if it was your idea, Holly." 

"I don't know. I don't exactly have a spotless track record." She went on in a slightly worshipful voice, "But if _you_ agree, it must be right." 

With a faintly nervous sigh, Trip settled down to work. 

* * *

"Guys, something funny's going on around here," Cat said, bursting into Lister and Rimmer's cabin. 

"What the smeg are you on about?" Rimmer complained. "And what makes you think you can walk in here without knocking?" 

"The door opened! Why should I knock?" 

"We might be doing something private that we don't want you to see." 

Cat grinned toothily. "Hey, maybe there's something to this knocking business. If you two monkeys are doing anything private, I _definitely_ don't want to see it." 

"What's going on that's funny, Cat?" Lister broke in. 

"I was sleeping in one of my usual places, down in the lower cargo decks. When I tried to get up, I was... heavy!" He appeared to become weak, and sagged into a chair. "It was terrible! I thought I gained weight! Thought it was the ten fish dinners I ate last night!" 

"How do you feel now?" 

"Fine." 

Lister raised his voice. "Holly!" 

"Yes, Dave?" 

"Is something wrong with the artificial gravity?" 

"We're near a black hole, Dave. Parts of the ship that are nearer the hole are subjected to a stronger gravitational pull. The parts that are most distant from it are experiencing an apparent reversal of gravity as the entire ship is accelerated toward the event horizon." 

Lister considered the implications of that information. "Huh?" he inquired. 

Holly sighed. "The gravity of the black hole is so strong, and Red Dwarf is so big, that the parts of the ship closer to the hole are being pulled in faster that the rest." 

"Okay. What does that mean?" 

"That means, as we're sucked in, the ship will be stretched out. It will break apart from the stress, and be pulled into a thin strand of matter." 

"_That_ does not sound good," Rimmer said. 

"It isn't. Of course, by that time, you will all be dead." 

"How reassuring." 

"However, Trip, Kryten, and I have a plan. If you will all report to the control room..." 

Lister jumped down from his bunk. "Let's go." 

* * *

They were all gathered in the control room, the Red Dwarf crew on one side, the Power Rangers on the other, pink-haired Nadira in a corner by herself. Lister glanced around at all of them, waiting until they were paying attention before nodding to their android crew member. 

"Holly has repaired the Hop Drive," Kryten announced. 

"Again?" Rimmer stared skeptically. "What's it going to do this time? Materialize us in the middle of a star? Turn us inside out?" 

"Hopefully it will reverse its previous effects. Transport _Red Dwarf_ back to where we started from, safely away from the black hole, and create a reverse timehole back to Earth." 

"This is the opinion of a computer that's gone space senile and a 'bot whose major expertise is in cleaning toilets." Rimmer looked around, inhaled, and smiled. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm _filled_ with confidence." 

"Rimmer." Lister's voice was resigned. 

"I checked it all out. I think it'll work," Trip said. 

"Brilliant!" Rimmer was at it again. "The twelve-year-old in a green fright wig who likes to run around in spandex tights thinks it'll work." 

"Rimmer. Shut the smeg up." 

"We really have no choice," Kryten pointed out. "We can use the Hop Drive or get pulled into spaghetti." 

"I vote for the Hop. I never liked spaghetti," the Cat said. 

Wes took a look around at his group. "We're willing to take the chance. Like he said, there's no choice. And we need to get home." Even Eric nodded. 

"Rimmer?" 

"What the smeg. I can only die once." 

"Nadira?" 

She looked startled. "You're asking _me_?" 

"You're in this too. Sure." 

"I'm not sure I want to go home." She glanced at Lucas for a moment. "But we have to get out of here. And I guess I have to go back. I vote for the Drive." 

"Okay." Lister turned to the unimposing box that housed the Holly Hop Drive. "What do we do?" 

"It's all set, Dave," Holly's voice answered. "All you have to do is hit the button." 

Lister looked up at the monitor. "Wait a minute. If we're creating a timehole back to Earth..." 

"Yes, Dave. You can go through it, too." 

Lister took a deep breath, joy flooding through him. "Earth! At last! Cat, Rimmer... We can go home!" 

"But... won't we land in the beginning of the twenty-first century?" Rimmer asked. "There were no holograms then. I'll be a freak." 

"So will I," Kryten said sadly. "There were no androids of my type then." 

"And what about me?" the Cat asked. "Of course... I'm so handsome, they'll love me anyway." 

"Each of you must choose whether to go or stay," Holly said. "But it has to be now. Listen." 

Lister raised his head. As they all fell silent, he could hear a sound over the thrum of the engines, a faint creaking, as if the fabric of the ship was being strained -- or stretched. 

"The ship is being pulled apart. She can't take the stress much longer." 

"Okay. Here goes. All aboard the timehole who's going aboard. I'll count to ten." Lister raised his hand over the Hop Drive. 

"Sure you won't stay, Trip?" Holly asked. "No one else will ever love you the way I do." 

"That's for sure. I mean... I know, Holly. I'll never meet -- er -- anyone like you again. I'll always think of you." 

"Oh, Trip, our love will last forever, won't it?" 

"Yeah. Forever. I'll -- um -- never forget you." 

"I'm not going, Listy," Rimmer said. "Take care of yourself. I hope you get that little farm on Fiji you wanted." 

Lister grinned, surprised. "Thanks, smeghead. Good luck." 

"And it's been... an experience meeting all of you." Rimmer turned to the Rangers and Nadira. "Especially you ladies. I wish we could have become better acquainted." 

"Yes... thanks for everything," Jen said. She smiled, including Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten. "All of you have been great." 

"Time's up," Lister said quietly. "Here we go." He brought his fist down on the 'On' button. 

Brilliant, swirling light filled the room as the ship lurched, metallic shrieking sounds ripping through the air. Lister shielded his eyes as the timehole formed, like a black and purple whirlpool in the middle of the room. He saw the Rangers brace themselves and leap into it, Lucas pausing long enough to grab Nadira's hand and pull her with him. He reached out to clutch the Cat's arm, found his balance, and started forward. 

Another powerful lurch threw them both to the floor. He rolled over and pushed himself to his hands and knees, crawling forward, trying to scramble to his feet. The timehole flared and brightened. Lister paused, raising an arm over his face. With a silent pop, the timehole shrank, lost color, and disappeared. Lister stopped, staring, the Cat in the act of trying to help him up. It was gone. Lister cried out incoherently in rage, frustration, and grief. 

* * *

_Silver Hills, year 2001:_

"Wow. We made it." Wes picked himself up slowly. They were back in the warehouse doorway, the same spot they had been in when the timehole took them. He looked around at the others. They all looked shaken up, but uninjured. Lucas was helping Nadira to her feet. 

"Everyone okay?" Jen asked. They all nodded. She looked around. "Lister and the Cat aren't here." 

"They were farther away. I saw them lose their balance," Lucas said. 

"They didn't make it through in time," Katie said, her voice sad. "Too bad. I feel sorry for them, stuck all alone in that ship. I hope they transported away from that black hole okay." 

"They did. I'm sure they did. And... I have a feeling things will turn out better for them soon," Trip said. And Trip's feelings were, of course, usually right. 

"Nadira? What's wrong?" Lucas asked. Nadira had a hand pressed to her head. She looked up at him, her face tense and strained. 

"I... remember," she said quietly. "I remember everything now." 

"In that case -- you're under arrest," Jen said, taking a step toward her. 

"Jen... can't we leave her alone? Just this time?" Lucas asked. 

"Don't bother." Nadira's expression was suddenly scornful. "I was just leaving. My daddy must be worried." She swept a glance over all of them. "Lucky for you I wasn't myself on that ship. You all would have been in big trouble." 

"I guess the truce is over," Lucas said, his voice with a trace of bitterness. 

"Yes... I guess so." Nadira's mask of hostile arrogance fell for a moment, leaving disappointment and hurt. "Lucas..." she said softly. 

"Maybe someday..." he said, just as softly. 

"Maybe." With a quick movement she triggered her transporter and disappeared in a sparkle of light. 

"Well, if playtime's over, I'd better get back to work before I get fired," Eric said. "So long, kiddies. Next time you're in a mess, don't call me." 

"Eric..." Wes called. Eric turned back to face him. "Remember what I said." 

"You mean that touching offer of friendship? Fat chance." 

"I meant it." 

Eric looked at him coldly. But his voice was not entirely unfriendly as he asked, "Want me to say hello to your father for you?" 

"Uh... you think he'd be interested? Or are you being sarcastic again?" 

"He's asked about you a couple of times. I guess he's interested." Eric's face was still cool and blank, but there was an unfamiliar spark of sympathy there. 

Wes smiled. "Yeah. Say hi for me. And thanks." 

Eric turned away with a last glance. "See ya, rich boy." 

* * *

_The mining ship Red Dwarf, stranded in deep space, three million years in the future:_

"Smeg. Smeg, smeg, smeg." 

"Too bad, Listy. Stuck with me for all eternity." 

"Shut up, Rimmer. I'm not in the mood." Lister rolled his head back and slumped in his chair. 

"I'm sorry. Really, I am. Lost my chance to be rid of your slobbiness and the Cat's incessant preening." 

"It's not even so much still being stuck here with you. I had hope... real hope. And then it was just snatched away." 

"All of this is because of your high hopes. We wouldn't have used that smeg-infested drive and gotten into that mess if not for your hopes of getting back to Earth." 

"I need that hope, Rimmer. It's all that keeps me going." 

"A fat lot of good it does you." 

Lister found himself smiling. "It wasn't all bad. We had company for a little while. Other people. Women. Holly even found true love." He looked at Rimmer with a grin. "_You_ acted like a human being for about a second. And who knows, maybe the Rangers got something out of it." 

"Well, I still say no good came from it." 

Lister got to his feet. "Doesn't matter. At the very least it was a laugh." 

* * *

*End*


End file.
